Secret Songs

No Lullaby
This isn't a lullaby baby
I'm surrendering to my fate
I'm saying goodbye to you baby
hate the decision that I have to make
I'll remember you in my heart
detest the cruel twist of fate
mourn for the stolen start
because contraception was late.

 

Bad Times
Blissful silence is a warm retreat
its comforting emptiness as dazzling as the sun
the luxurious obscurity of deep sleep
my part in this world is undone.

Waking to blinding brightness
its harsh whiteness as barren as night
my heart beat feels sharp as a razor
loathing yet addicted to my plight.

 

Nothing Right
I see the children playing
far too young to be laying
emptiness hits me like a stone
for the child that was never known
the hated way events did turn
bridges at 16 too scared to burn
made me murder my own babe
I shall take my guilt to my grave
thou shall not kill
my heart pays the bill
the easy option others say
not forgotten any day
although my life I would not change
these events I would rearrange
something's will always be just wrong
a lullaby should never become a requiem song.

 

Forbidden Desire
In your eyes there's forbidden desire
in your heart there's secretive fire
you don't think of her the way you should
you can't love her the way you could
the social tug of what is right
in your soul you have to fight
she's an unpolished pearl
how you watch her sexuality unfurl
you want to be her teacher
show her how a man should treat her
in your mind fantasies take flight
but moral laws & what is right
makes desires glorious hay day
rather sordid & rather shady
can you be judged for what you are thinking
you aren't guilty but your innocence is sinking
her smile puts your mind in a whirl
not yet a woman but not just a girl.

 

Warrior
The hunter and the hunted is he
forever running from reality
hard won wisdom rejected to be
ruled by a heart so full of schemes
unfortunately truth is never how it seems
when it shines he refuses to see
the courage it takes him just to be
he could be loved by those like me
beyond the crowd that scream
but he'd rather lose himself in a dream
clinging to stories where lies are the key
fearful of those who could set him free
the truth of his life is the tragedy
he could be the hero that he dreams
if he would just let go of all those schemes.

 

2 Years Suspended
I lost my human face
as compassion fled
I wished it and then it was
there you lay dead
I lost my human face
as rage came in to view
I stood there full of shame
you were to blame, it was you.

No fight with inner reason
there was no need to fight
hatred made it open season
I wanted you to die that night.

I lost my human face
as your blood wet the ground
but still it wasn't my fault
I screamed when your body was found
I lost my human face
when the police came to call
I just composed another
with charm I fooled them all.

 

Missing
A missing person on the run
not a word since you've been gone
waiting for that knock on the door
rehearsed my role many times before
every kind of horror I've seen
been driven crazy by what might have been
I wonder why if you are well
you put me through this daily hell
resentment in my dreams at night
while I hold my pillow tight
are you alive, are you dead
I must get you out of my head
have a funeral so I could mourn
but the guilt of it, the scorn
then at least there would be an end
no more day to day pretend
all now is doubt never ending pain
that's slowly driving me insane
all because your gone
a missing person on the run.

 

Tickling the Orchid
(Published 1997)
She blooms her deepest red
on the very hottest night   
so pollen rich with flouted lips
she sings upon the brain waves of delight   
does quiver from the most gentle caress
her brazen flush tells her story true
of joyous flights on humid nights
bringing fertility to the morning dew.

 

Somewhere Anywhere
Somewhere in the world there is sunlight
some place it is day
on this globe a latitude is this morning
and not the evening of today
why can't I be at that longitude with daylight
then I would say something different, be polite
instead of in the darkening night
if only I could transport myself to this morning
or at least be anywhere but here tonight.

 

I Can't Trust
Lied to in my youth
I can't trust truth
not spoken or sworn upon
never knowing what I'd done
defensive always falsely accused
leaves esteem battered and bruised
hearing too many lies spoken
makes a promise a worthless token.

Emotions played with like a toy
I can't trust joy
always accompanied by pain
leaves an unsightly stain
the black void within my heart
blamed for my happiness blown apart
made to hide the tears beneath
a final kick in the teeth.

The fist in a velvet glove
I can't trust love
any trust is slapped around
lost just when I thought I'm found
always someone's whipping boy
I can't trust love, truth or joy
look at me and see the broken
too many times my pain unspoken.

 

Alone
Isolated soul wanders
time youth squanders
through the land of sorrows
through too many tomorrows
'twas morning suddenly it's night
it's not the heat of the light
but the cold of shadow that sears
the ageing day brings with it fears
the self flagellating goal
of a self reprimanding soul
with all those foolish tears
shed over so many wasted years.

 

Therapy
Digging deep into the mind
for whatever dirt I can find
through the dust and the clutter
finding father, finding mother
closeted for so many years
wasting too many tears
was there an unforgivable sin
where did the emptiness begin
deep in the storm for the eye
depression finally passing by
seeing the stem of the pain
it no longer looks insane
for second paining we can bless
to never again feel bitterness.

 

The News Today
I've seen it all before
I've heard it all before
saw them laugh, heard what they say
spoken that line, seen the play
bought the T shirt today.

Not that I'm bitter
I could have done better
I cringe just to think
of that casual wink
of the stench and the stink.

Whose life did it take
what difference did it make
I'm worthless they agree
but no it's not really me
of this hate I can be free.

My sins I have paid for
must stop taking score
games made to confuse
to play I now can refuse
hey it won't make the news.

I've seen it all before
counted each and every score
I've heard what they say
seen the games that they play
I bought the T shirt today.

 

Parent & Child
Well known fears in ancestral eyes
too well do you recognise
as well as line & curve
phrases coming back at you
some you wish you'd never heard
expressions recognised as own
masochistic similarity
purely genetic mimicry
ties of blood like bonds of steel
flashing insight might reveal
branches of the family tree
a connection to parental parody.

 

My Children Smile
I touch the face of god
when I see my children smile
their pain it rips my soul
I'll gladly face any trial
little miracles life's blessing
2 daughters and my little boy
I gave them the gift of life
they have given me the gift of joy
my future is held
within their little hands
I'll accept my life with them
wherever fates dice lands
for I owe them all so much
they taught me how to care
I promise my beautiful children
as long as I live I'll be there.

 

I Grieve
My son with the golden hair
a joyous smile so unaware
my life's beauty tinged with regret
my dreams for him I must forget
wanting for him time with less strife
needing to accept every part of his life
fate is too cruel to limit him so
to help and to nurture him where do I go
wondering what I could have done wrong
taking sad joy in his simple song
I grieve for the things he'll never see
my sorrow for a man he'll never be
knowing the wonders not for him to discover
never becoming someone's friend, someone's lover
my boy who won't grow up to be wise
I must protect so others won't chastise
cruel harsh words I won't let him hear
want to shield him hold him forever near
must fight to see that his needs are met
a boy full of promise too easy to forget
will never show how my aspirations leave
he must never know how I grieve.

 

Goodnight
At the end of the day
with the night on it's way
when the sun's put on weight
and the clouds splashed with paint
colour fills up the eye
as the sun falls from the sky
tiny babes in their beds
hold tight on to their teds
here comes the night
and off goes the light
little baby don't cry
mother sings a lullaby
you can count the stars
look for venus and for mars
when the moon shines so bright
time to sleep tight, goodnight.

 

Female Dream
Dreams are for dreaming in realities harsh glare
they fade away as if never there
you get on with your life
as a mother, a lover, a wife
keeping the hearth safe & warm
playing your part when your child is born
but what of the dreams in that secret place
when it's only the clock that wins the race
can the thanks given in cards sentimental lines
replace the dreams of youths dream times.

 

Dominate
Punish me, order me around
I was lost, now I'm found
take command, tell me how
take me in hand, make me now
tell me I'm naughty, make it feel good
spank the bad girl baby, you know that you should
I need to plead, do what you want to me
I'm crying out, be what you want me to be
I'm begging you, to please punish me.

 

The Well Known Stranger
There have been some changes from within
many rearranges from inside
am I who I never knew
I am someone but who is that someone
I look in the mirror it is you
I see a face that I've grown into
eyes that stare at mine
who is this person before me
whose is the face staring back
the face of a well known stranger
the body abused and weathered
misuse guilt and life
what shall I do to recapture
this person inside looking out
at the visage of the well known stranger staring back.

 

The Legacy of Men
She sits before the door to reason
tired before the task has even begun
blinded by grief that comes from treason
longing for the dawning of the sun.

She feels behind her a million shadows
things she is blamed for but has not done
draped in black truths weeping widows
she cries for the father but not for the son.

The son has love and can trust his mother
the mother through grief will not be undone
she will love her husband, her sons father
her men will undo the pain her father begun.

 

Lullaby
Fly like a bird
swim like a fish
give me the word
I'd make a wish
sprout some wings
and take to the skies
such dreams and things
made our favourite lullabies.

Life's Tendency
Just when I thought I finally understood
life sneaks up and takes pleasure in slapping me
it shouts to the world that I've lost
finding myself wandering aimlessly
having somehow lost the map
life moves the landmarks
like a spiteful child plays with the signs
side steps and deflects everything I try
and just when I thought I've won
it laughs in my face
and with visible glee fails me.

Free
I want to be free from the way it's suppose to be
I want to be free from the shackles, I've got to be free
free from the shadows, free from the fears
no more regrets, no more tears
I can no longer make the best from the worst
My dreams are dying of thirst
I've got to be free to just be
to be me, I want to be free.

Inheritance
I fear that if I open my mouth too wide
my soul will fly out and set alight to the sky
burning my world leaving me lonely
surrounded by nothing but ashes,
painting my skin like a pagan child
leaving nothing but a selfish hell
within empty success, a soulless pride
all thats important destroyed, cast aside
leaving me rocking scared and alone
old and withered, tattered and torn
with nothing but photographs of lives never lived
despised by my blood leaving hearts full of bile
frightened they will relive this crazy inheritance
if this poisonous wail is allowed to be free.